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Attachment-Based Therapy:

What It Is & Why It Might Be Your New Bestie.

 

 

 

 

 

Ever found yourself in a relationship that's a hot mess express, wondered why you keep attracting the same kind of emotionally unavailable douche-canoe, like your childhood left you with more baggage than a Kardashian on vacation or, the messiest of them all that basically has you feeling like a ping pong ball bouncing between stage 5 clinger and cold as ice.

 

I like to refer to that one as The Total Clusterfuck:  Disorganized. Makes shit interesting let me tell ya!

 

 

 

What Is Attachment-Based Therapy? 

 

Attachment-Based Therapy is rooted in the idea that how you learned to attach or, more likely, how you didn't learn to attach, to your caregivers as a kid is now playing the starring role in your adult relationships and, honestly, your whole damn life.

 

 

No judgement here, my dating history before my own EMDR healing journey could of been a Netflix Jerry Springer Series with multiple seasons!

 

 

 

John Bowlby created this Attachment Theory, with the underlying idea that we all have this deep, primal need to bond with our caregivers and if that bond was solid, awesome, you probably trust people. If it wasn't? Well fuck, you might be somewhere on the spectrum of clingy AF to emotionally walled-off like Fort Knox.

 

 

 Spoiler alert: Even if you think you've got your shit together, or you were like that in your last relationship, there might be some attachment issues playing hide and seek in the background. My guess is, it's that little disorganized fucker.

 

 

 

 

Why care about all this attachment mumbo jumbo?

 

Because is can help you connect the dots between your early attachment experiences and how you show up in relationships today. This is where the inner child and parts work come out to play. It's like looking at the root cause through a microscope instead of just slapping a Band-Aid on the wound only to keep reopening it. Understanding the "why" behind your patterns, can be the very shift that changes the entire trajectory of your life.  At least it was for me!

 

 

 

Story Time...

 

I was in my late-twenties when the clusterfuck of my dating life finally took it's toll. I remember it vividly. I had full on nervous breakdown in the kitchen uncontrollably crying to my mom. As a single mother of two who just had to move back home with my folks for the third time since I was 19, the feeling of defeat was too intense to bare.  Something had to change!  It wasn't until later in my healing journey I realized that the "something" was actually a "someone".  

 

 

There was ONE common denominator in my entire dating history... ME!

And I was disorganized AF in the attachment department!

 

 

That was one hell of a hard pill to shallow, because I could no longer avoid the fact that I too was toxic, playing a part in this dynamic of dating fuckery that was literally destroying me to my core.

 

I now know that this was my breakthrough which changed everything, as it was the catapult that sent me flying desperately into the therapy office and that beautiful therapist soul introduced me to EMDR, which flipped the scripted on my entire understanding of myself and life.

 

 

 

 

 

How Attachment-Based Therapy Can Help You Heal from the Shit Storm:

 

1. Breaking the Toxic AF Cycle
 

Ever asked yourself  “Why does this keep happening to me?"  I'd put money on it you’re stuck in the same toxic relationship patterns and understanding your attachment struggles can help you recognize and break these cycles of fuckery.

 

Here’s the thing:  when you’ve been programmed since childhood to expect relationships to be chaotic, distant, or just plain shitty,  you end up subconsciously seeking that out in your adult relationships because it feels familiar. I know sounds fucked up but it's what the brain does.

 

It is looking for comfort in the known, even if the known is totally fucked. An attachment based style of therapy dives into those old narratives, giving you the space to sit in the uncomfortable parts so you can rewrite the script.

 

We're taking a magnifying glass to the dysfunctional behaviors you’ve been repeating that are causing your significant distress, whether it’s being easy prey for partners who treat you like absolute dog shit or ghosting someone at the first sign of emotional intimacy, you can start figuring out where it all came from.

 

Then, instead of blaming yourself or thinking you’re doomed to keep making the same mistakes, you get the tools to change. Think of it like having a roadmap out of the toxic jungle of hell that you've been wandering in for years.

 

 

 

2. Build Better Relationships:

 

Whether you’re trying to figure out why you can’t trust a single fucking soul or what has you’re glued to people like Gorilla Glue, attachment based therapy helps you learn healthier ways to connect with others. The beauty of this understanding is that it doesn't leave you high and dry after pointing out these shitty patterns; it gives you a new playbook.

 

By understanding your attachment style be it, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized AF, you get a clearer picture of why you act the way you do in relationships.

 

Then, through therapy, you can practice new, healthier ways of relating to others and yourself. It's about learning to communicate better, setting approriate boundaries that don’t feel like brick walls, and open up in a way that doesn’t feel like you're sitting there naked with your clothes.

 

Imagine feeling secure AF in your relationships, without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, that's the kind of connection attachment based therapy can help you build.

 

 

 

 

3. Heal That Inner Crotch Goblin (Child):

 

It may sound cheesy as the inner child has become a buzz word BUT for good reasoning! If that little inner crotch goblin of yours is still running the show from behind the scenes, they are probably fucking shit up. And it's time to give them some love and boundaries.

 

Much of attachment based work is re-parenting your inner child and showing up as the parent or care taker you always wanted. I do a fuckton of this work with clients when we are doing EMDR and parts work.

 

Your inner child might be screaming for attention, acting out through jealousy, fear, or self-sabotage, which is the biggest sign an inner crotch goblin is running a muck. In attachment based therapy, you get to revisit those early experiences that shaped your attachment style and offer that inner child what they missed out on, whether that's reassurance, safety, or just the chance to be heard.

 

By addressing those unmet needs from your past, you can start showing up as a more integrated and less reactive version of yourself in the present moment. This process is all about healing those old wounds so they stop bleeding all over your current life.

 

 

 

4. Grow That Self-Awareness Muscle  

 

 

 

Therapy, in general, is a kick-ass mirror, but attachment based therapy is like a full-length, 360-degree view. You get to really see all of you and how your learned attachment is causing ruckus in your life. By highlighting where this is happening you can start making some shifts.

 

Self-awareness is a bitch; but it’s also the first step toward real change. Owning your part is not taking blame or saying things like "It's all my fault". It's actually quite the opposite. Attachment based therapy gives you the tools to not just see your patterns but understand them deeply.  

 

When you can recognize that your urge to ghost someone is your avoidant attachment flaring up or that your fear of being left or alone is linked to an inconsistent caregiver from your past that created this anxious attachment style, THAT is where the magic happens!

 

As we know, the only thing we can "control" is ourselves, so understanding where we gave away our personal power and how that played a part in perpetrating this toxic AF cycle, is the exact path to getting our personal power the fuck back!

 

It’s about taking approriate accountability for your healing and stepping out of the victim mindset. No more “this is just how I am” bullshit. Attachment based therapy is your invitation to get real about your shituationship and actually do something about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, Is Attachment-Based Therapy for You??

 

If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I like this?” while scrolling through your ex’s Instagram or felt like your relationships are more of emotional rollercoasters from hell than stable connections, this type of therapy might be calling your name. It’s not a magic fix, but it’s a solid step towards understanding yourself and healing some of those old wounds that keep dragging you down.

 

At the end of the day, Attachment-Based Therapy is about learning to be the secure, badass version of yourself you were always meant to be.  And EMDR Intensives do just that! 

 

So, if you’re ready to dig in, get real, and do some deep-ass work on your attachment style, this might just be your new therapy BFF! If you're thinking we might be a good fit check out how we can work together HERE